The “Ghost” Poop
The kind where you feel the poop come out, but there’s no poop in the bowl.
The “Clean” Poop
The kind where you feel the poop come out, see poopie in the bowl, but there’s no poop on the paper.
The “Wet” Poop
You wipe your butt fifty times and it still feels unwiped. So you end up putting toilet paper between your ass and your underwear so you don’t ruin them with skid marks.
The “Second Wave” Poop
This poop usually happens when you’ve finished, your pants are up to your knees, and you suddenly realize you have to poop some more.
The “Brain Hemorrhage” Poop
You have to strain so much to get it out that you turn purple and practically have a stroke.
The “Corn Cob” Poop
No explanation necessary.
The “Lincoln Log” Poop
The kind of poopie that’s so enormous you’re afraid to flush it down without first breaking it up into little pieces with the toilet brush.
The “Notorious Drinker” Poop
The kind of poop you have the morning-after a long night of drinking. Its most noticeable trait is the tread mark left on the bottom of the toilet bowl after you flush.
The “Gee, I Really Wish I Could” Poop
The kind where you want to poop but, even after straining your guts out, all you can do is sit on the toilet cramped and farting. (very frustrating if you’re using a pay toilet.)
The “Power Dump” Poop
The kind that comes out so fast that you barely get your pants down when you’re done.
The “Liquid Plumber” Poop
This kind of poop is so big it plugs up the toilet and it overflows all over the floor. (You should have followed the advice from the “Lincoln Log” poop.)
The “Spinal Tap” Poop
The kind of poop that hurts so much coming out, you’d swear it’s got to be coming out sideways.
The “I Think I’m Giving Birth Through My Asshole” Poop
Similar to the “Lincoln Log” and “Spinal Tap” poop. The shape and size of the turd resembles a tall boy beer can. Vacuous air space remains in the rectum for some time afterward.
The “Porridge” Poop
The type of poop that comes out like toothpaste, and just keeps coming. You have two choices: (a) flush and keep going, or (b) risk it piling up to your butt while you sit there helpless.
The “I Think I’m Turning into a Bunny” Poop
When you drop lots of little round turds that look like marbles and make tiny splashing sounds when they hit the water.
The “I’m Going to Chew my Food Better” Poop
When the bag of Doritos you ate last night lacerates your insides on the way out.
The “What the Hell Died in Here” Poop
Also sometimes referred to as the “Toxic Dump” poop. Of course you don’t warn anyone of the poisonous bathroom odour. Instead, you stand innocently near the door and enjoy the show as they run out gagging and gasping for air.
The “I Just Know There’s a Turd Still Hanging There” Poop
Where you just sit there patiently and wait for the last cling-on to drop off, because if you wipe it now, it’s going to smear all over the place.
The “Fire In the Bowl” Poop
The kind of poop that singes the hair around your butt from the big feed of Mexican food the night before.
