So I ended up having to cut the turbo mounting bracket in half. It was not fun having a shower of sparks just inches away from my face, but a Dremel 4000 and an EZ456 wheel made short work of it. I also tried to cut a slot in the bolt, but because I couldn't see what I was doing working upside down in the dark, my cut was off-center so that plan was doomed to failure.
I will post feedback on the various steps of the Pelican guide in a later post but for now...
I put everything back together and started the car. There was a lot of smoke for the first few minutes but it settled down and started to smoke less after that. After about 15 minutes of idling, the smoke was mostly gone, so I assume it was still burning leftover oil in the intercooler.
Then I went for a test drive. There was some smoke upon initial hard acceleration. Again I assume that was just residual oil. After a few moments the smoke stopped. I drove for a mile normally, then attempted a big hill. Immediately there was a problem making power. The car started to shake. I turned off on a side road. After a while the car completely died. Pending DTCs were related to random misfires and system too lean.
I thought it might be bad spark plugs since I was using garbage Autolite double plats -- the only plugs Autozone had in stock. Examining them, I saw that they were gapped to between .040 and .045 which seems rather high for a turbo application. So I regapped them to .028. Made no difference. I then went to Carquest and purchased a replacement set of NGK plats for $57. It also made no difference. When I try to start the car now, it makes exactly the same sound as it does during a compression test. It's as if the spark plugs aren't even there.
To review, it's definitely not the battery, starter, or plugs.
I'm going to try disconnecting the battery for 30 minutes or so today. If that doesn't work I'm going to try cleaning the throttle body and MAP sensor. I'm on Audi coilpacks which should be bomb-proof. But I'll also try swapping the coil packs with older VW coil packs. I may order a crank position sensor as well. If these don't work, I will have it towed to VW and have them do a diagnosis. ($100 for the tow and $125 for the diagnostic.) I've been reluctant to do this because I'm convinced my VW dealer is one of the worst in the country for ripping people off.
This saga has really dragged on. I just want my car back. <Sigh>